As we approach the first full weekend of football, decisions have to be made. Decisions like, how much time is too much time watching football? Do I really think the New Wendy’s Loaded Nacho Cheeseburger looks good or will I just eat anything with Nacho Cheese on top? And of course with what limited time I have on earth, what games should I be watching this weekend? We’ve got to approach this problem with the assumption you can consume AT LEAST two games at a time. My preference of double-game consumption, I go big screen on the marquee game and pull out the trusty pocket super-computer for the alternate, airplane mode of course, we can’t afford to be getting distracting texts or spoilers. And while the odds are EVER increasing that both events have commercials on at the same time, at least you can pick between the less infuriating of the two. (Whopper-Whopper-Whopper-Whopper.)
Thursday Night 9/7– Lions @ Kansas City 8:20 on NBC
Has there ever been an opening game with as much tangible anticipation as this for the Lions? The Chiefs have been “slow starters” for the past few years, I wager it is because they are so dang good, it is hard for them to have a sense of urgency. Lions have a real chance here, I am drinking the light blue kool-aid. (I love blue raspberry so much… by the way, they don’t make blue raspberries do they? Can I just eat blue raspberries? Surely not, so what flavor combination is the blue accounting for? Alexa remind me to research Blue Raspberries later… Alexa: “no.”) I don’t need a win over the defending champs, but I think if the boys even manage to keep it close, the excitement will be through the roof. If we win, don’t even get me started… don’t give me hope.
Pairs best with: Blue Raspberry kool-aid and lets keep it semi-light yet satisfying, long weekend ahead people lets now blow it here. Chicken Jalapeno Ranch wrap from Yaya’s. Maybe add some Hot One’s hot sauce, I really enjoy the Mako Snake Spicy Shark hot sauce from this season of Hot One’s. When your boys ask if you are crying because the Lions are winning you can blame it on the heat. (Do not touch your eyes though.)
Friday Night 9/8– No Football so we remind our loved ones that they still matter to us. Celebrity Family Feud 8pm on BET
We’ve got Cedric the Entertainer vs Wayne Brady on tap followed by NFL Hall of Famers vs NFL rising stars. I’d watch Steve Harvey and Wayne Brady do just about anything in the world, but slap the Family Feud blueprint on it and I’m 95% sure you are going to love it. Not to mention on the celebrity edition they make the questions really easy so they don’t blow it for charity. Nothing makes you feel better then clearing the board all by yourself with questions like, “we polled 100 people and asked them, what is something you do when you wake up” and if you don’t say check your phone and pee you are a LIAR.
Pairs best with: Wife has a roast sitting in the crock pot since this morning, the house smells like MEAT. It’s filling, satisfying, your wife likes it, you feel like you ate something hearty in prep for this weekend, like a soldier before he goes to war. Drink it with Kirkland brand sparkling water which is like drinking water except instead it taste like candy thanks to the wizards at Costco.
Saturday 9/9 Noon slot: Main TV- Colorado vs Nebraska (Alternate TV- Notre Dame vs NC State)
One team that has been down in the dumps, an ex-big 12 team, with a new coach and years of successful tradition to fall back on, with all eyes on them and fan expectations reaching new highs, and the other team is Nebraska. There are 0 types of results from this game that don’t check the wildly entertaining box. Colorado wins big, amazing. Nebraska wins, amazing. I have to watch this game because I will be so tickled the entire time.
Notre Dame is a huge mystery and NC State is a traditionally not awful opponent, have to keep a close eye on this one just for the excitement of a potential upset, or a potential statement game for ND, who knows.
Pairs best with: Let’s go with a quality appetizer with plans to go big at the 3:30 slot and have an early dinner. So lets go with tortilla chips and your sauce/dip of choice (mine, jalapeno cheddar Frito Lay cheese in a can) and a white “sugar-free” monster. You’ll eat way too many chips and not be hungry for early dinner but that’s okay. Tortilla chips don’t count as weight watcher points if you take small enough bites.
Saturday 9/9 3:30 slot: Main TV Texas A&M vs Miami (Alternate TV- your local team vs cupcake)
The best thing about A&M vs Miami is one team has to lose and you can watch the collective fan base explode. These two teams are perfect mirrors of each other. And after the game you can hop on twitter and watch the losing fanbase smashing their proverbial mirror over a sharp surface.
I can’t really make a case for Michigan vs. UNLV or MSU vs. Richmond but you are going to watch it anyways. Because we are sick with tribalism and watching an easy game in which your team lays down the whoopin’ is cathartic in it’s own right. Or even worse, they play sloppy, it’s close at half time, and you spend most of halftime searching the opponents staff to see if anyone is a crime committer, or worse Republican. (Satire)
Pairs best with: Domino’s Pan Pizza with a white sauce base, bacon, feta, chicken, mild peppers, extra cheese and a coke (don’t forget the mango habanero sauce). I’ve been trying to get people to realize the TRUTH regarding pizza, white sauce is superior. Take one bite and you’ll realize there has been some sort of worldwide conspiracy to make red sauce the default on pizza. I blame Big RaguTM. That should be enough food for the day…
Saturday 9/9 7pm slot– Texas @ Alabama (alternate TV- Oregon @ Texas Tech)
Big match-up, great teams, small numbers next to their name: I’m in. Watch Oregon vs Texas Tech if you want to see points. Watch Alabama vs Texas if you want to see a great game. Texas should’ve beat them last year but the greatness of Bryce Young was too much to overcome. Texas has the better QB this year, maybe… but I am going to take Sensei over padawan. Saban over Sark.
Pairs best with: PSYCH! I know we said we were shutting it down early today but dessert doesn’t really count…. you knew this was coming…. My new favorite, SIL’s apple cake. It’s warm, served with ice cream, and just out of this world. You can trick yourself into it being a fall dessert (apple). A summer dessert (ice cream). Or a winter dessert (warm cake). What I am trying to say is you can MAKE APPLE CAKE YEAR ROUND AND GIVE IT TO ME TO EAT.
Sunday 9/10 1pm Slot– San Francisco @ Pittsburgh (alternate TV- The Red Zone Channel, forever)
This is the only 1pm slot where I can see both teams being future playoff teams. San Fran managed to stay in the headlines all off-season by trading away a QB they drafted with third pick in the draft, in order to keep the QB they took with 262nd. Further proving we all know nothing and everything is made up. San Francisco just has a lot of DUDES. Dudes you like on Madden, dudes you like to watch, and dudes you trust at coach, DudeFrancisco.… SanDudecisco… San FranDudesco, nailed it, print the shirts. Meanwhile the Steelers are literally always good, and scored on 5 of 5 pre-season 1st team offensive drives. I like Steelers QB Pickett too, I like head coach Tomlin too, I like the atmosphere in Pittsburgh. It’s a shame one of the teams has to lose.
Alternate TV will of course be saved for the Red Zone channel exclusively. Because that is like watching every other game at once. As a result, we will see about 3% of all the other 1 o’clock games, and after that very limited exposure we will jump to some WILD conclusions. Washington Super Bowl bound!?! Sure! They looked great on those three plays where they scored, unstoppable even.
Pairs best with: I’ve gone on record on this blog multiple times saying I will die on the saucy, sweet, yet some how spicy hill that is sesame chicken. But I’ve got another basic white guy Chinese dish that is taking my palette by storm. Spicy Mongolian Beef. You know every time you take a bite of your Wife’s dish and you think to yourself, “man that is really good but no way it is as good as mine”? I’ve discovered I was lying to myself the whole time. It really is as good, and my belly’s pride just wouldn’t admit I was wrong. Get water to drink dude, you’re disgusting. Also water is a pretty crucial pairing with Chinese as I feel it bests combats the MSG, we’ve got more football people… can’t afford to nap. Napping is for people with loser teams.
Sunday 9/10 4:30 pm slot– Eagles vs Patriots & Dolphins vs Chargers
Teams that will surely be on the bubble come Playoff time, including the annually head-scratching Dolphins vs the eternally head-scratching Chargers. I think there is quality football to be found here and you will be on the come down from a 72hr football bender. Be careful this is a lot of football to take in at once. If you have a… bloated stomach for more than 4hrs, call a doctor immediately. But at the end of the weekend such as this you don’t want to be overly invested in anything, just some solid football to close out the weekend. And since you might not find any on Sunday Night Football, you need to get it here. (Get wrecked NFC East.)
Pairs best with: You are at a crossroads here, you are trying not to die, but also you had Chinese for lunch so unfortunately you are ready for a real meal here. What do you do when you want dessert but also you need to eat something that is a meal. Let me remind you of the REIGNING champ of the evening “not-quite-a-meal” meals. Cereal. One of the most diverse meal creations in the history of time, beloved by all and disliked by few. Pop-Tarts want to be him and milk wants to get with him. I’m going with Ol’ Faithful in Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but you do you, that is the joy of cereal. Unless of course, you picked Mini Wheats, which I am here to report is a fake sugary cereal. Mini Wheats are ENTRAPMENT. Shredded Wheat with a better marketing team, the frosted side is just lip stick on a pig.
Last week I wrote because I felt like I had to, and this week I wrote because I was excited. I think you can tell the difference. I want to deep dive into the psychology of it all, but I just called Mini Wheats “lip stick on a pig” during my very serious football blog, don’t want to give you whiplash. See you next week, I think.
-GN
Gamenotes 