If your CFB Program was a Movie:

Inspired by a much funnier, entirely more coherent twitter thread. If your CFB program was a movie franchise, which one would it be? I realize throughout the post I weave between talking about the actual plot, general viewer perception, to actual viewing experience without any indication of which direction I am moving. I’m sure it will make perfect sense, try to keep up. I usually stay away from these deep comparison posts, mostly due to the multitude of occasions of having to figure out then/than. (For this post I just trusted my gut.)

Texas: The Sandlot (1993)
In the 90s it was as good as it gets. Absolute peak performance year after year. It was even good for most of the children in the 2000s. But attempts at remaking this classic have performed miserably, and the stars from back then are just nowhere to be found. In it’s prime, it was lead by everyone’s favorite athlete, Vince “Benny” Young. Who was just far and away the most dominant player on the field and every kid wanted to be. “How can I have smore of nothing?” Will probably be used against Texas in regards to SEC success.

Texas A&M: Don’t Worry Darling (2022)
We keep hearing about this movie and we aren’t entirely sure why. More drama surrounding the production and cast than actual substance. Currently being carried by literally one person (Pugh/Achane), and the rest of the ensemble is an absolute dumpster fire. It has gotten to the point where everyone is going to hate it, even if it turns out being good. Also, it won’t turn out to be good, I can assure you.

Michigan: Star Wars Episode 7 – 9
Absolutely zero reasons as to why it should not be excellent. With a fantastic foundation to build upon, nearly unlimited resources, and years of deep tradition. But they kept switching directors over and over and you wonder now if anyone can save what Rian Johnson/Rich Rodriguez did to us. They are going to keep pumping these babies out and the fan base will keep consuming it no matter how good or bad it is, but everyone agrees, it should be a lot better. Michigan knows what it has to do but isn’t sure if it has to the strength to do it. (Beat Ohio State)

Alabama: Whiplash (2014)
An amazing award winning program driven by it’s psychotic perfectionist of a leader and a cast with an incredible amount of talent. The idea is that pressure makes diamonds, and Saban/Simmons is going to squeeze every last drop of talent out of every person on that team, and if he breaks someone, he’s got another five star waiting to come in. Teams try to speed Alabama up and run a little no-huddle, Saban replies: not my tempo. And while J.K. Simmons looks more like a Jeff Brohm than he does a Saban, no one is making a movie for Jeff Brohm.

Nebraska: Knowing (2009)
A tremendous amount of hype leading up to its release and everyone is convinced it is going to be good. But about halfway through you realize that it is just one the worst things you have ever seen in your life. And then it hits you, watching a Nic Cage/Scott Frost production be awful is way more fun then watching it be good. You are of course, mad at yourself for buying into the hype. But the moment you accept this dude is vastly more annoying than he is actually good at his job, you can enjoy it for the dumpster fire for that it is. It ends with aliens in a cornfield, the way the Nebraskan-god intended. I am aware that the amount of people who are going to appreciate this comparison is hilariously small.

Nebraska football practice? Or literally the worst ending to a movie you have ever seen? (Okay so it isn’t a corn field.)

Michigan State: Avengers: Endgame (2019)
You’re either on Tony Stark’s (Mark Dantonio) side or you think he is a jerk. Despite all this, he leads a group that against all odds overachieves and defeats the seemingly unstoppable threats to the Big10. But when things are on the verge of going sour, another man must pick up the hammer for the Spartans, Captain America himself Mel Tucker steps in to save the roster with a final act of desperation. The Transfer Portal.

That is a lot of transfer portals….SPARTANSSSSSS ASSEMBLE!

Tennessee: The X-Men Movies, all of them.
Tennessee is constantly trying to remind you they exist amongst the vast options of better sci-fi films to enjoy. They want to be Florida (Logan 2017) but instead they put stuff out like whatever happened in 2019 (Dark Phoenix). They were genuinely enjoyable a long time ago but we now have to seriously consider if we will ever see a dominant X-Men ever again. Despite all this, we are here to consume it anyways. Good, bad, awful, it doesn’t matter. Not relevant enough to be mad about it sucking, but not so awful to demand it to be better. If we get better X-Men movies in the future, it will be easy enough to forget about how bad it had gotten, and it feels Tennessee/X-Men are always a season away from doing exactly that.

Notre Dame: Game of Thrones
Not quite a movie but rather an independent. You can’t watch them on the normal channels but instead on a special channel that shows mostly crap but gosh dangit you aren’t going to miss this. It starts off incredibly highly ranked, and gathers huge national media attention. But in the end, the final result can’t possibly live up to the pre-season expectations and everyone ends up mad. We all agree that it used to be good, but as soon as you really start thinking about the last few seasons, people end up unusually depressed.

Washington: Pitch Perfect (2012)
I can’t believe this…. is it actually… good? It had everything going against it, no one had any reason to think this was going to happen. But, out of nowhere, it becomes worth watching. No one is going to say it is their favorite series ever, but everyone who watches will at least come away pleasantly charmed with the amount of entertainment to be had. Seriously, how is Washington good? Why do I like Pitch Perfect? Is it just because Anna Kendrick/Pennix Jr. are just so talented it doesn’t really matter what you put around it? Kendrick/Pennix comparisons… if you don’t like this content you’ve got the wrong blog.

Penn State: Zoolander (2001)
A movie that I’m sure was perfectly good the first time you watched it. Now it has just aged so poorly and you feel a little too uncomfortable with it all. I don’t get it, how did I find the fact that he takes his underwear off during a “walk-off” such comedic gold? I am uncomfortable just typing that! The gasoline fight scene is great though, and so was Saquon (confirmed ambi-turner). Everything else I can do without. I’d be perfectly fine if Penn State and Ben Stiller both went away forever. Yet somehow every other year, I find myself watching re-runs, getting secondhand embarrassed at what I see on screen.

LSU: Batgirl (Unreleased)
I don’t think this very large investment is going to be profitable.

Oregon: Transformers (2007)
All flash and very little substance. Oregon/Transformers burst onto the scene and absolutely nailed it with Megan Fox/Chip Kelly/Cool Uniforms/Bumble Bee. When it was at it’s best, it was hard not to imagine a dynasty stretching out for years to come. But alas, all good things must come to an end. Oregon has already met it’s Age of Extinction in 2014, and by now, we are all just tired of it… now I see they have another movie scheduled for 2023, does anyone actually think it has any shot of being good?

All I am saying is, have we ever seen Fox and Chip in the same room? Could be the same person.

Wisconsin: Shutter Island (2010)
Living in the delusion that they are the main character in someone else’s story. Only to get blown out at the end and realize you belong in the loony bin just like everyone else in the Big10 West.

Georgia: Elf (2003)
I know it is considered by many to be the best (Christmas film/team) but I hate it. Do I hate it for reasons entirely unfair to it? Probably. I mean my wife had it on in June and joyously watched it for the 127th time. (There is no Georgia crossover here but I am worried no one will accept the fact that I dislike Elf without some explaining.) I have no love for Elf the comedically oversized protagonist, in the same way I have no love for Stetson Bennett, the comedically undersized QB. In a different scenario, I would probably love them both. Here is hoping an L comes to Georgia long before Christmas.

Stetson making throws out of the pocket once again.

Ohio State: 127 Hours (2010)
Or rather 1027…… days. Since Ohio State last beat Michigan. Holy Toledo (war) I have to post this TODAY! CALL THE EDITOR- TAKE IT TO PRINT! It also works because I too would rather cut off my own arm than say anything nice about Ohio State.

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