I Accurately Predict Every NFL Playoff Game. (Vegas Hates Him!)

Bills vs. Colts
I am rooting for the Bills man, aren’t you rooting for the Bills? Who isn’t rooting for the Bills?

I find this game to be the least interesting playoff matchup by a wide margin. Josh Allen is on a great career trajectory to end up a lot like… Phillip Rivers? Aw man that’s not fair to either guy is it? Who knows, maybe this is the year ol’ P-Riv gets in done in the playoffs. Call me a hater though, the winner of this game just goes on to lose their next. I’ll believe the Bills are legit when I see it, and I’ll believe the Colts are legit probably never. Am I letting pass failures dictate my present reality? You bet. Bills win 31 – 14

Steelers vs. Browns
Baker vs Big Ben in a battle of QBs we used to like and now find generally intolerable.

Well I know who I’d rather run in to at the bathroom, at least.

The Browns got by the Steelers in Week 17 to secure a playoff spot, but of course they did it with Ben Roth-lis-somthing sitting out. And while the QB’s are really fun to talk about it’s the Wide Receivers who have the chance to make the big plays and bust the game open. It’s really cute you made the playoffs and all that Cleveland, but I am a Lions fan. I know how this goes. You lose, and then go away. Give me Steelers 31 to the Browns 17.

Titans vs. Ravens
An ~~immovable~~ extremely shifty object meets an unstoppable force.

I googled Henry vs. Jackson and this came up and I can’t stop laughing.

Two of the five most exciting players in the playoffs going against each other is much watch TV. (The other three being Mahomes, Hill, and whoever Mahomes happens to be passing to next.) But we know the script already. The Ravens have absolutely nothing that can stop Henry from completely obliterating their defense and the Titans have a solid gameplan for Jackson. Holding the Ravens to a measly 12 points last year in the playoffs and a respectable 24 when they faced earlier this year. Do you know those videos of March Madness when they show the teams getting placed on the bracket? And the announcer goes “And coming in at the #8 seed it’s VCU!!!!” And all the players are supposed to celebrate but instead they just turn white because they know if they win they will have to play Gonzaga and they already lost by 40 to Gonzaga twice this year. And they are just sitting there thinking WHY COULDN’T WE PLAY DUKE OR VIRGINIA OR MICHIGAN STATE. I bet that is how the Ravens feel right now. Titans 31 Ravens 28

Saints vs. _{(checks notes)} BEARS!?!?
The Colts and the Bears making the playoffs are point 1A and 1B as to why switching to a 14 team playoff was a huge mistake.

Come on people I can’t even find a graphic that is interesting on the google.

How the heck did they let the Bears in the playoffs? Isn’t there some kind of committee that can step in and stop this? A 6-10 Giants team ALMOST made the playoffs and I still would’ve been more upset that the Bears made it. You mean the team that 100% wants to fire its head coach and started Mitch Trubisquick on several different occasions in an attempt to make it work? I’ll go ahead and take NFC favorite New Orleans Saints to win by 40. Saints 49 – Bears 9

I hate you Bears. People think the Lions are “this close” because you are in the playoffs. Pathetic.

Washington Football Team vs Tampa Bay Fightin’ Toms
What is even going on in the NFC at this point.

Chase Young wants to talk a little smack and say he is coming after Tom Brady. Which is funny because Tom Brady is going to be three step dropping the Redskins to death all game. Which brings me to my next point. Smack talk “motivating” the other team is a fake news people. Ya’ll want to make fun of Dabo for ranking Ohio State too low. You think the buckeyes needed a little extra juice for the ROSE BOWL? Do you think Tom Brady or Justin Fields are thinking about what the coach said on 3rd and 4? Or are they just shredding your defense because they were going to shred your defense like it or not? I don’t buy into this extra motivation narrative for one second. I think Alex Smith is a tremendous story but it all gets cancelled out karmically speaking because Dan Snyder is a tool. Tampa Toms 28 ~~Redskins~~ Other team 24.

Seahawks vs Rams
Two battle tested teams that can talk about how much they blew it versus the Patriots.

Somehow Seattle makes the Seahawk look cooler than a frickin’ Ram. Maybe its the Green eyes?

I don’t have a lot to say about this game? Maybe it’s because both these teams are on the West Coast and I’ve watched the Rams play 0 games this year? I like Seattle. I like Russel Wilson. I like their jerseys. I like Metcalf cuz he real big. And his name is DK. DK Metcalf big man make lots of catch. DK go brrrrrrrrrr. There is no way you made it this far anyways I can type whatever I want. Seattle 21, Los Angeles 10.