Girls and TV

It’s a known fact, girls don’t like to watch good TV. They frequently choose to watch shows that are unbearable, overly-dramatic, and manufactured. I’ve been through it all, of course, mostly as a boyfriend/fiance. You’re much more willing to grit through 60 minutes of tears and commercials when you’re still trying to convince a girl you’re not a disgusting, selfish person. As a boyfriend, I spent most of the time hoping at some point her parents would leave us alone so we could make-out. But as a husband, I spend most of my time hoping our kids will leave us alone so we can make out. So I have created this guide, so next time she wants to “Netflix and Chill”, I can help with the Netflix part, you’re on your own for the chill. Here is how it works:
A Tier- These shows are good. You should watch these shows. With or without your girlfriend. If she asks you to watch a show on this list, pretend like your making a sacrifice and silently enjoy it. You’ll get points for doing something she likes to spend quality time with your SO.
B Tier- These shows are good enough, but remember the third Sports Center rotation is also on so I can’t really say I RECOMMEND them. Just that they are totally acceptable picks as compromise between your SO and you. Use your phone to supplement the slow spots and enjoy.
C Tier- These shows are neutral. Shows like this have moments that are enjoyable, but not enough to keep you locked in the whole time. Shows like these are often useful, with information you are glad to learn but not necessarily entertained by. Sort of like a guest speaker at Church, you’re there but you ain’t taking notes or anything.
D Tier- These shows are bad. There is very little entertainment here to be found. Try to entertain yourself by making fun of the characters and subbing in your own dialogue from time to time. Shows like these typically feature overly attractive casts with a thimble of acting skills to go with. Drama is often overly manufactured and you’ll find people acting so out of character you’ll think its Game of Thrones season 8 all over again.
E Tier- These shows are atrocious. Not only will you be miserable by watching this you’ll find yourself questioning how you could ever love someone who chose to spend their own precious time watching this filth. My wife knows when she watches some of these shows that it is THIS bad, she often pauses it when I walk in the room. It’s a signal to me, there is nothing on this TV for you, turn back before it makes you mad. This is not a safe space. (She gets me.)

World of Dance – B Tier:
World of Dance is probably the best of all these competitive talent shows. Obviously I am biased, I dance a lot better than I sing or juggle (VERY low bar here– I juggle better than I sing, and I can’t juggle). But it’s more than just the talent that makes this show interesting. The worst part of all these shows is how much they focus on the judges. WoD does a good job at letting the judges be a part of the show but letting the talent and stories rise to the top. Without the story being shoved down your throat, looking at you America’s Got Talent. The last thing I need to see is Howie Long or Simon Cowell looking impressed during the performance, just let me watch the performance! And if you aren’t sold yet.

Dance Moms – E Tier:
Pretty much all reality TV is bad. This one is a special kind of terrible. The occasionally entertaining dances the girls put on from time to time are butchered by the cameras cutting away to the parents so they can make judgmental remarks about kids they know nothing about. AS IF YOUR KIDS ABILITY TO DANCE SOMEHOW COVERS UP YOU ARE AN AWFUL PERSON. Add on the fact that Abby is basically the human embodiment of the person you do NOT want your wife to become at 50. And the fake manufactured drama “OMG CHLOE HAS A NOSE BLEED AT NATIONALS”. It is unwatchable, avoid at all costs.

Pretty Little Liars – A Tier:
The show that drags on and on and somehow you wont mind at all. With more story lines and twists to keep track of than a Game of Thrones book (Arya best girl), a who done-it that is executed incredibly well. Characters are diverse, believable, and you’ll get invested fast. It is the kind of girl show you dismiss on first contact but eventually find yourself wondering if you could get away with finishing tonight when your Wife falls asleep. (NOT RECOMMENDED)

Master Chef Junior & Chopped – B Tier:
Ninety-nine percent of shows on the food network fall in to the C tier. Food is on the screen, it’s going to be at least worth watching. With the special added bonus of maybe your SO deciding she is going to try making the delicious food you see. MCJ and Chopped both raise the bar a little higher (maybe I am a sucker for the competitive element). With quick entertainment and hosts that are not annoying, I typically find myself walking in to the room with these shows on and not realizing it’s 11:30 p.m. after I’ve watched 8 episodes consecutively.

America’s Next Top Model – D Tier:
You would think there would be one obvious reason to watch this show sa a man but there are a lot better options than watching lanky looking girls that somehow go on to become models end up sad crying with make-up on every other episode. Tyra and judges will grind on your gears by acting as if modeling is some virtue of your human spirit, as opposed to just being good looking. Does “you need to be more fierce” actually mean “you need to be skinnier” or are we just pretending her personality is selling this bikini? The only thing that saves this from E tier is the fact that you get to see what it is like to be an attractive 18-26 year old woman, who is living a life that could not be any more different than the one your living. It’s basically a dad’s version of the upside down.

One Tree Hill – B Tier:
Dan is up there in the pantheon of all time great villains. Darth Vader, Cersei Lannister, Joker, and now add Dan Scott. It can often be over dramatic but they do most parts really well. It is really hard to convince us that Chad Michael-Murray can actually play basketball, but the sports aspect of the show still conveys the drama well. Add in a top tier soundtrack and you get a solid show with a lot of viewing hours. I think we can all agree that Brooke is the best girl and Clay is the best boy and Julian is the sidepiece. Disagree and you’re wrong.

Anything on TLCF Tier:
Destroy this network already. They conveniently keep there logo up in the corner as an ever flashing reminder: This Lamentable Channel. I am pretty sure TLC stands for The Learning Channel, the only thing I learn is which parts of the country I desperately want to avoid. If a show on this network was called “DIY Project” I wouldn’t assume it was about learning how to make a neat craft but instead about a woman determined to get married to herself, as bride, groom, and wedding officiant. I am saying heck no this dress.

Bachelor – C Tier show.
Lots of attractive woman fight for the right to be treated poorly by one over-hyped guy. This show somehow has worked its way into the mainstream and being up to date can help you survive the dreaded water cooler conversations if your office isn’t cool enough to talk about sports. Find one girl you root for and try to convince everyone she is not crazy.

Bachelorette – D Tier show.
Mathematically less attractive woman. And in my opinion, a genuinely less interesting narrative. Men just aren’t catty enough. I have enough dudes in my life trying to act cool around my little sister to want to see it on TV. We get it dude, you think you’re interesting. I am passing on this show if I can help it, maybe I don’t get it.

New Girl – A Tier show:
Does this even count as a girl show? It shouldn’t, its great. Consistently funny, beloved characters. Show should have some recognition as not having any dud episodes. Good as a background show or as a main attraction. Really good. I start talking like Schmidt if I stay for too long and I am not saying that’s a bad thing. Manages to be touching and funny simultaneously, hard not to recommend. Watching this will make you feel like a True American.

American Idol/The Voice – D Tier:
While The Voice is better than American Idol in every definable way that doesn’t stop them from both being boring. With judges that are terrible, and annoying. Bits of humor and cleverness keep the show afloat but the admittedly talented singers can’t stay interesting for long enough. A voice coach told one of the pupils to make a smile in the roof of their mouth while singing a certain section to improve how it sounds. And at that moment, I realize I will never truly appreciate the depth and talent of people singing. Maybe these shows are good, but they certainly aren’t for me. Give me Adam and Blake over Katy Perry and Luke Bryan though, if I am being forced.

The O.C. – B Tier:
Full disclosure I have a crush on Ben McKenzie and I can’t really identify why. He is great as young Commissioner Gordon in Gotham as well, hes not even a good actor. But the first two seasons of O.C. are some of the best high school drama TV the C.W. has ever gave us. I might die alone on this island, the show is good dude. All the characters are complex and believable. The parenting challenges and how well it related to actual real life issues teens have is great. Not to mention the number 1 dad ever cast in TV: Sandy. (Be myyy daddddd Sandy!) This show might be worth just for it’s opening theme, CALIFORNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I should mention, stop at the end of season 2.

Gilmore Girls – C Tier:
I spent quite a bit of time trying to grade this one in my head. Top tier banter throughout, fun interactions, several phases of the show that are fun. The writing and plot is enough to make it an A tier show but there a few characters too maddening to make it an A. (Emily, literally all of Rory’s friends, Taylor, Jackson, and any significant screen time with Dean.) But Luke and Lorelai alone are enough to carry the show on there own, not to mention Jess being the best on-screen boyfriend of all these shows… Just realized how bad I want a Ben McKenzie and Milo Ventimiglia buddy cop show. Alright fine it is A Tier. Love the show too much, can’t believe how invested I get in rooting for Luke. I find myself trying not to laugh too much when watching because I am on record saying it is a bad show with my wife. Every time I laugh it is a little vindication for my Wife who now realizes I like it, and only teases me just enough to not push me away.

There you have it. Of course let me take this moment to remind you that time spent with loved ones is never time wasted (unless you’re watching TLC). And lastly shout out to my wife Hannah, who turns off Big Brother to watch NBA Summer league and knows not even think about watching anything but football on Saturdays in the fall. There are plenty of shows that are both worth watching as a couple that don’t count as girl shows: Stranger Things, 24, Designated Survivor, Timeless, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Blacklist, NCIS the list goes on. But next time you sit down and she has something on, give it a shot, you never know where it will take you.

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