The Optimist’s guide to the AFC/NFC Championship:

Super Bowl Levi

We have ourselves a unique opportunity here for the fast approaching Super Bowl. One that we don’t see very often, in fact I would say never. We have no villains to root against. Four remaining teams, and these four teams are so very hard to hate on. As a Lions fan, every year the Super Bowl comes around, and instead of rooting for my team, because for some reason they have that weird post-season ban, I have to root against teams I dislike! I have a bit of a hatred flow chart, and I put each team through the grader and then it comes out with a score determining how much I hate them. I don’t share this often but see below.

I’ve been called the modern day Jackson Pollock of flowcharts.

But let’s throw the chart out! I don’t want to be a hater, I want to be an optimist! I want to see the best in every team and have something to root for! So here, hang on to these little pieces of info, so you can feel good when a team not named the Lions win their Super Bowl this year.

Reasons to root for the Cincinnati Bengals:
Joe Burrow. Joe had the absolute audacity to transfer out of Ohio State and then become one of the most decorated college QB’s of all time. He has single handedly has pulled the BUMgals out of complete irrelevancy and thrust them into being one game away from the Super Bowl. We should’ve seen this coming, as he managed to win a Natty @LSU while being coached by Ed Orgeron. Dude is seriously impressive and if he wins Super Bowl MVP, he might give his acceptance speech with a lit stogie in his mouth. Which would be undoubtedly cool.

Reasons to root for the Rams:
Star Power. Rams have a ton of huge names on their roster that you will vaguely recognize during pre-game announcements. You will be like, “wow I didn’t know LA had that guy!” Which is ironically the same thing you say word for word when you watch Lakers play but with a much more depressing voice tone. And for us Michigan natives, haven’t we all been rooting for Stafford like he’s still a Lion this whole time anyways? We have a chance to win our first Super Bowl by proxy. Rooting for an LA team is rough but lets be honest no one from LA actually cares about the Rams anyways.

Reasons to root for the 49ers:
Deebo Samuel. A do-it-all threat for a very limited offense. Deebo is listed at WR but is most dangerous when he has the ball in his hands my any means necessary. He is the first WR with 5+ rushing and receiving touchdowns and there are lots of videos of him online just being an all-around likable dude. Yes they have a Bosa brother which will make your stomach turn but you can keep a picture of Jimmy G to stare at to help numb the pain. Which will likely lead you to immediately remember how average he is as a QB and you’ll probably go back to being sick again. It’s hard to root the 49ers they don’t pass the flowchart test at all. They are the 6 seed so there is an underdog element there to cling to I guess.. The Bengals are even the more fun underdog. I’m not sure I can glass half full the niners here…. Fine I will say it don’t root for the 49ers. It’s not like they are villains but more like really boring superheroes. They are the Aquaman of the final four. Your devilish good looks aren’t enough to get me to care.

Reasons to root for the Chiefs:
Points, lots and lots of points. The Chiefs just beat the Bills in a game in which there was 25 points scored… in the final 3 minutes. (Sort of like Lions games but they aren’t sympathy touchdowns.) Imagine the absolute TENSION in the room for those Super Bowl squares. Not to mention the Chiefs don’t play any defense, so there is going to be points one way or the other. Mahomes, Kelce, and Hill are three of the most dominant players in the league and we get the absolute honor of them all being on the same team. Chiefs vs. Rams would be the most exciting Super Bowl matchup in a long time (As far as rosters go).  And Chiefs vs. 49ers would be absolutely dreadful. Imagine last year’s matchup of Mahomes getting hit the entire night but instead of it going back to Brady it goes to Budget Brady himself Jimmy G. YUCK. (I am losing my optimism the longer this article gets.)

Give Me:
Rams 31 – 49ers 10
Chiefs 37 – Bengals 28

In one of those rare, rare, cases where my heart and my head are saying the same thing. I think we all just want a good game and if there is one thing I learned about this year it is that we can’t have nice things. Seeing how last week was dubbed the best weekend of football ever I am certainly expecting something horrible to happen now. Wasn’t this article supposed to be about optimism?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s