Once a year we all come together and pretend to care about NFL football still and watch the Superb Owl. Now most of the time the game ends up being boring and we have to rely on our squares and the commercials being interesting enough to keep us awake to 11p.m. on a work night (can we just do it on a Saturday? Like…. please?).
But we have invented a way to keep our eyeballs glued to the screen with the way of the prop bet. Betting on something completely irrelevant to the game at hand has become a favorite past time of mine. And I am going to let you see behind the curtain, see all my picks, and make all my money (hopefully).
Most of these are fake.
Amount of guest performers J-Lo needs to bring on at halftime to cover up for the fact that no one asked for J-Lo at halftime. – Over/Under 5.5
I am taking the under here. Convincing J-Lo to be the headliner was probably an expensive signing as it is. Can’t have too many more guests before they starting cutting into that bottom line. But, why J-Lo? Isn’t this the most viewed televised concert of the year? Shouldn’t, I don’t know, maybe one of the top two hundred fifty artists of this year be playing? Isn’t J-Lo a better actress then singer anyway? They obviously don’t care about appealing to football fans with their half-time show selections, how about appealing to music fans instead? Bruno Mars has by far the best performance of anyone this decade don’t @ me.
Number of time your wife audibly swoons when Jimmy G. is on screen. – Over/Under 3.5
Well if for some reason you haven’t realized how attractive the QB is for the 49ers now is your chance. The dude is handsome. And you can bet there will just as many head shots as possible on ol’ Jimmy G. This will be particularly highlighted by the Chiefs QB being… not … as attractive. (and better). My wife tends to wait until after the game how attractive the players are… “so uhhh that #10 guy… he is pretty cute huh?” so I’ll take the under.
Number of players your Chief’s Jersey-Wearing-Nephew can name. – Over/Under 3.5
Mahomes – Hill – Kelce – and anything after that I am impressed. Really kid? Big fan huh? Do you even know what state Kansas City is in? If you don’t know who Tony Gonzalez is you are legally not allowed to like the Chiefs. But don’t worry guys, I have family in Kansas City so I am covered.
Percentage of the room rooting for the Chiefs. – Over/Under 75%
Both teams have been very good at times this year, but honestly does anyone like watching San Francisco play football? Week after week of beating teams 24 – 3 featuring 18 punts and a total of one pass on first down is just brutal. Versus the high octane offense of the Chiefs featuring a QB with the most arm talent I have literally ever seen, and a super exciting offense. How great is Mahomes though, he can literally throw that ball “over them mountains”. Sure they couldn’t stop their opponent from scoring even if they were allowed to put 16 guys on the field for defense but who cares? It will make your Superbowl squares all the more exciting. Here is to another year of you getting the 2 and 5 square. Good luck my friends.
Number of times Trump is mentioned on the broadcast. – Over/Under .5
Number of times your crazy Uncle Steve mentions trump during the broadcast. – Over/Under 13
Please let it be under. Please let it be under. Please let it be under.
Do the combined points of the football game outscore any single NBA team’s score from the same night? Yes +600 / No -450
What type of food residue will be visible on Andy Reid’s facial hair?
– 150 Long John Custard
+200 Pie Filling
+450 Doughnut Glaze
+600 A1 Sauce
+650 Oreo Cumble
+800 Pizza Sauce
+3000 No Residue Whatsoever (HIGHLY UNLIKELY)
Number of Doritos commercials. –Under/Over 2.5
I find myself wondering how well advertising works for such a known commodity. Like, if I only saw two Doritos commercials this Sunday, I wouldn’t be buying chips. But four? That pushes me over the edge, I got to get Doritos now. Are there people out there who have never tried Doritos for some reason but a funny commercial is suddenly now going to change their seemingly staunch stance? Maybe they are just advertising to flex, yeah… we are making a KILLING on these chips dude.
Demi Lovato National Anthem Length. -Under/Over 1 Minute 59 Seconds
Everyone’s favorite prop. Nothing says America like a room full of people watching the clock to see if they hit their gambling wager while our National Anthem plays. I almost always play the over here, people try to make their big moment last as long as it can in this spot, but I am going UNDER. Demi can belt it with the best of them, but a Star Spangled Banner type song is not her forte. She keeps it short and sweet.
Go Chiefs! (Final score: 35 – 20)